Bridges and Oysters

Well how do you think I feel baby?

I'm numb. I'm numb.

I was sat outside the sixth form office again. 

My future rested on the meeting I was due to have. 

My behaviour had become "Unacceptable" quite what that meant I have no idea.

But the idea of my future seemed so distant, an intangible thing that was too far ahead of my thoughts.

I glanced upwards.

On the wall outside the office were photos. Year group photos. Photos of every St Paul's sixth form year since the 90's.

Now this got me thinking.

Look at all them smiling faces, excited, eager, anticipating their long awaited futures. University and careers there for the taking.

The world at their feet, a metaphorical oyster. 

But I wondered how many of them were dead. Typical me.

Some of them would be 30 now. Do they have wives/husbands? Do they have kids? Do they have good jobs? 

Are they happy?

Were they as happy then as I was unhappy at that moment? 

Were they happy now.

Seeing those faces on the wall put everything into a crystal clear vase for me to gaze upon.

Those people would have stressed and strived for the upcoming exams. Tears would have been shed and nerves pushed to the limits. But what for? 

I wonder if in 10 years time, a boy of 17 will be sent to the sixth form office, will sit outside and I wonder if he too will gaze upon those year photos and start to think.

Will he see my face? Will he ask himself the questions I did?

It would be nice to say that in 10 years time I would be happy.

I would be in a stable relationship, I would have friends that love me and I job I am comfortable in.

I would live in a nice apartment and go on beautiful holidays with my beautiful girlfriend in my beautiful clothes.

I would be happy.

Or I could be dead.

So what's the point?

I've lost the girl of my dreams.

I don't have a best friend I talk to 24/7.

I don't get on well at school.

I don't enjoy living at home.

I struggle day after day after day just to lift my head off the pillow, because I know that the day ahead brings me nothing but pain and anguish.

I wonder if any of the sixth formers of the past shared my thoughts.

10 years on do they feel that they wasted their lives in sour emotions?

What does a heartbreak at 17 mean to them now? Nothing.

It all means nothing. 

Today is just a bridge to tomorrow.

Yesterday was a bridge to today.

Nothing more.

To live each day as if it was your last is a future that I can cope with.

It makes sense to me.

I could die in 5 months time, but I would have enjoyed myself.

It wouldn't all have gone to waste.

I may smile, deep down I don't mean the smile, but I'm living each day.

I'm living each day.