For Me

It was a January afternoon, just after school. One of those afternoons that you hate, you know, dark foreboding clouds and a tiredness within yourself after a long, long day. I was riding the bus home, the same bus, the same time I do every single day. Only this time an old friend from my old school got on with me, and we laughed and we talked and we caught up on everything we missed after our GCSE's. He spoke of his girlfriend and I congratulated him and said: "God, you're so lucky, I wish I had a relationship like that" to which he replied, jokingly: "Ahh Josh, sorry mate but people like you don't ever find love and happiness!" And he laughed.

Don't ever find love and happiness.

I laughed with him, whilst inside that last bit of hope inside me, it just melted away. The wife and the kids and the life I'd always dreamed of, one by one just vanished. Because I knew he was right.
I've had some close calls, times when I genuinely was happy, times when I genuinely thought I was in love, and maybe I was. But each time my heart was broken, through a fault of my own, or not.
Love is something so hard to find.
But happiness right? Surely happiness isn't so hard to pursue?
I have a good job and good friends, I'm healthy and wealthy, but am I happy?

I don't want you to waste your happiness. That's what I'm saying. For some people it just comes naturally, and I envy those people, my personality doesn't allow me to be happy. My DNA. My destiny.
Perhaps God doesn't want me happy and in love? I may never know, but you are not me.
So live with a smile on your face, please. For me.