The Knowing

Dawn broke, just as it always does. Light flooding down the avenues, filling windows, opening eyes. The one entity mankind can fully rely on: the sun rising as surely as it will later fall and again and again. No matter the state of the world, the sun will continue it's business, ever dutiful to the hand of God. The moon it's silver accomplice. In unison patrolling the heavens above, eavesdropping on our wishes to the stars. Our guide in stormy seas and barren sands.
A reliance I can so readily depend.
I'm okay doesn't mean I'm okay.
A lack of dependability, of reliance in words.
Words are deceiving. The sun, moon, stars, they are forever as they are.
Words can be a wolf in sheep's clothing.
I say I'm okay, I'm not.
I say yes, I want to say no.
I say I love you, I don't.
I'm in love with you.
Words you can depend on
Knowing those words are the only dependable syllables in my vocabulary.
I mean what I say when those 5 words are spoken.
The rest are not my words.
It's what you want me to say.
"I'm okay" It's easy. It saves the questions, the curiosity I can't handle.
It's late at night, when alone, vulnerable, do my words turn to truth.
I am who I am.
I've taken off the mask. I'm not Josh or Joshy or Giosue.
I am me. Mi.
La verità.
I'm not okay.
I am loneliness. Wrapped up in my own world, I didn't see the other leave me behind.
I am confusion. What I know is no longer what I know.
I am regret. Beauty is no option.
I am okay though. Conversations with myself never suffer.
Though I never listen.
I know best.
Words are not to be depended upon.
But the sun rises, so it'll be okay. Truly Okay.

To a Future

The alarm went off, I woke up, I opened my laptop, I went onto the internet, I checked the MK council website: St Paul's Catholic School was still open despite six inches of snow. I sigh, drag myself out of bed cursing Mr Manley and his wretched snow plows, and got into the shower.
After the shower I again check the website and ,to my annoyance, school was now closed.
I had a dilemma. I was awake, showered and dressed. I looked out the window and decided to do something radical. Something I may never do again in my life. Something so out of character I surprised myself.........

I went on a pre-dawn, photo-taking snow walk.
Woahh Joshy, calm down, bit of a big step for you?
Well not really. I've done it several times before and it helps to clear your head of all the unwanted thoughts and feelings you've felt recently. The birds singing and the snow crunching, the fresh morning air in your lungs, it's something that cannot be fully described into it's total beauty. I took a risk this morning. I could have got back into bed and slept until 10 O'clock. Or I could go out and witness something I may never get the chance to witness again.
The canal an endless sheet of perfect ice, the rising sun just glistening off the surface.
The holy trinity church and surrounding fields, a scene so exquisite, yet quite unable to fit it's beauty into just one little picture. To see it was heavenly.
I took a risk this morning. To go out, get a little cold and a little wet, to perhaps get a little tired but it was totally worth it.

So maybe this is what 2013 is all about for me: Taking risks? Perhaps after all this time I finally understand the true meaning of "Yolo."
It's not about the drinking and drug taking and endless parties. It's not about jumping off of cliffs 40 feet into the sea or running down the street naked screaming I love potatoes.
It's about taking a risk.
It's about those walks in the snow, going for the job you've always wanted, turning left instead of turning right. That left turn could lead you to a world of possibility. Maybe.
But I'm sat here preaching and yet that biggest risk of all, I refuse to take.
"I think I'm starting to like you"
That's a risk.
It could lead to infinite happiness and endless love. To walks together in the snow, to watching movies together late at night, to those inside jokes no one ever understands, to silences that are never awkward, to play fighting and goofy laughter, to trusting someone with your deepest soul and heart and being happy that they are yours. To a future.
Or it she could turn to you and say "I'm sorry Joshy, I don't feel the same way." You smile and say that's fine, but inside you're dying. Because you know you'll never be good enough for anyone. And that future you imagined together burns before your eyes.
That's a risk and one I am unwilling to take.
Maybe I'm stupid or maybe I already know the truth but either way risks will be taken this year.
In the age of finding myself a few risks have to be taken to recover my true being from the snow.
So I guess You Only Live Once truly is the motto.

Waiting For Too Long

"The good ones go, if you wait too long."

I'm 17.

"Waiting too long, Joshy what you saying?"

I'm 17.

These kind of late teen years I think are all about experimenting. You're still trying to figure out the person you're going to be, what your hobbies are, what clothes you like, the music you listen to. Everything you thought you knew about yourself invariable changes around this age. It's all changed for me. When people come up to me and say "Joshy, you've changed" I always say that I know. Time forces us to change. You can't get to 90 years old and be the same person you were at 19. A 71 year gap can change everything. A 71 day gap can do that. This is the time to make mistakes, when you're older it's harder to correct something that could just be a sniff of white or an encounter with a girl at a girl right now, but when you have a job and a wife and kids, that mistake is life shattering, not the experience it is right now. It's about experimentation. Experiment with girls, with alcohol, with behaviour, with hair, with fashion, with money. 

But I see couples, happy couples still. It's reaching their six year anniversary. They met in year 7 and are still together today, in year 13. And this frazzles my brain. For someone that's never been commitment focused I can never comprehend quite how 2 people can still be so interested in each other when at this age, commitment isn't the focus. But I'm changing. 

I sat on Facebook one night and a relationship status popped up. I looked and my face fell.

And then another status.

And another.

And another.

And then one more. And I couldn't hold my head up any more.

Each smiling, happy girl had once been in my arms. Had once been happy with me. Had wanted me.

Each one beautiful, so lovely, but gone.

I was happy for them of course, it wasn't my feelings for them that changed my mood. It was that very line "The good ones go."

And then did I smile. I'd finally realised quite what that meant.

I knew what the words meant, but I'd never felt the emotion that Drake felt as those words passed his lips. For that one brief moment, I shared a feeling with a man I will never meet.

"The good ones go" And they quite clearly do. I cannot expect to marry every single girl I will ever kiss, ever text until the early hours, never wanting to be the first to say goodbye, because it could so easily be good bye.

But my lust for experimentation of "Finding myself" has left me alone. Has left me behind as the girls I have wanted have all found lives better off.

Of course not all these relationships are forever, but they never waited for me, as I never expected them to.

But it's time for the experimentation to end.

I know who I am. I know what I like, who I like. I know the person I want to be.

I feel alone, surrounded by a million people but I have wonderful conversations with myself. 

I am not truly alone of course. There are always those that you can turn to as friends, without realising you had them in the first place. And then things change.

I've waited too long.

I'm 17

Needle In a Haystack.

Someone dear to me told me of their new relationship status today and I beamed.
Never have I seen a couple so God built for each other, so utterly perfect that they should have written their marriage certificate at birth. And I have never been happier for a couple in my life. Through an ocean of people they have found each other. Seven billion people and they each have found their perfect match.
Though a contrast of emotions has begun to form in my mind...
A jealousy, almost a sadness aches in my heart and clouds my judgement. I am jealous of their discovery of each other. I may be destined to never find my "One." I may struggle on alone, watching this pair thrive and grow and smile in each others arms. Always around, but never there. With me in body, each other in spirit. An emptiness in my palms, and thoughts and eyes. No hand to hold, no memories to visit, no vision to adore. I may never meet "The One"
But she's out there. I know she is. Eve was created to be Adams one. Bonnie was Clydes. Marge was Homers. And to think that she is walking this Earth right now. She is breathing the same air and staring at the same moon and wishing upon the same stars, it sends shivers through my being. I hope she is happy. I hope she is enjoying life, I hope she knows there is someone out there for her. Specifically made for her and all her. We may never meet, but I hope she knows I'm her half. She may even be reading this, this very moment. Maybe I have already met her, maybe we have shared a glance, a moment, a vision into our future. Maybe she knows I'M her one, that she anticipates our future with a hope and a passion that pushes her on and puts a smile on her face as she slips into the depths of slumber. Into a dream inside her dream....
Or maybe the cruelties of life and the fragilities of time will never bring us together.
Maybe her beauty will never pass my eyes and steal my breath.
Maybe she will never make me smile, never feel such penetrating love, never share a kiss beneath a moonlit sky.
Maybe she will find someone better and live happily ever after. Probably.
But what does it matter? You don't choose who you fall in love with. Though you will.
Someone, dear.

When You Wish Upon A Star.

It was the FA cup final and Liverpool were playing Manchester United. I, being a huge Liverpool fan, naturally wanted to watch it, but I was at school on the day. The school had thankfully put a screen up to show it however, and I crowded in amongst my school friends to enjoy the game. I then noticed a blonde head bob into my view and I begun to get distracted from the game. She walked with effortless grace, a smoothness mastered by an angel. Her eyes the deepest blue and a smile so breath-taking, I got goose-bumps. I was smitten by loves hand. I made a place for her and she duly, cheerfully sat down next to me, her flowery fragrance filling my head with dizzy thoughts, her voice soft as fur, clear as water, smooth as ice. We spoke about sweet nothings and I lent in to kiss her, heart pounding, and she kissed back. We were a couple.
And then I woke up.
The most beautiful moment I had ever experienced was, of course, only a dream. A dream cruel, depriving me of a love so pure and instant, butterflies danced with joy in my stomach. My metaphorical dream girl became my literal dream girl. And I have never forgotten that kiss.
When Jiminy Cricket wished upon a star he told me my dreams would come true and I believed him for so long. But only recently have I discovered that life really isn't so romantic as Jiminy made it out to be. I could wish upon a billion stars, but the things I want the most don't seem to want me back. And I don't blame them. Someone like me doesn't deserve the romance of Disney, but that's besides the point. For some, wishes do come true and I am truly happy for those where that happens, but I will forever be jealous of such beautiful fortune. I have given up wishing and it's probably for the best. Good things come to those who wait. But that isn't true. Good things come to those who work and from now that will be my mantra. The stars are too far away to hear my pleas for help.
I do have one wish however..... Though it is one I wish to fulfill myself.
There is a car park attached to the Milton Keynes shopping centre, a multi-storey building that commands the most beautiful of views in the city. The top floor is open to the sky and my wish is to some day hire out the top floor for a clear, blue summers evening. I will take the girl I love up there for a romantic dinner for two, some wine, some Italian food, with only the heavens for company. As it reaches sunset we will walk hand in hand to the balcony and watch the sun sink beneath the horizon, bathing the city in a glow so beautiful it will take our breath away. And as the stars begin to appear I will look her in the eye and tell her I love her. And there with the moon and stars as our witness, I will kiss her with the love I deeply feel.
It's cheesy, it's soppy but I don't care. It is my wish, and I will wish and I will wish and I will wish for that to one day become true. I no longer believe in wishing, so I will be proactive myself and give the girl of my future everything she deserves. Good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those who work.